Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Again,again,again


J,

it's been a long time since i last saw you.

i hardly recognized you.

and i thought i would be doing fine the next time i do.

but i still fall into pieces.

over and over again.

i heard that you talked about the past

with that far-away look,

with regrets and with fondness,

would i be the former,

or the latter?

but reality struck me

you leaned over and whispered something into her ears,

that girl you are with,

she smiled, and kissed you softly on your lips.

i pretended to have not noticed.

deep inside, i screamed.

and slowly died.


R.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Friendster is SOOO Mean, what if's and scatterbrain



Logging in to Friendster and hoping to get as many 'Members Who Have Viewed My Page" hits, I decided to browse my friend's updated profiles. One profile got my attention.

Camille is my high school buddy. The masungit type, but is rael nice when you get to know her. She migrated to Australia on our 2nd year and had been in touch with her every now and then. Lost touch after 8 years of so,found her at friendster. I am DEAD jealous of her life right now. No, not because of her foreigner husband and her stable life/career. I am DEAD jealous of her four boys! And yes, since we were batchmates, it meant she married when she was 19 (perhaps even younger). Yeah, that's her in the picture. Ang dami tuloy WHAT IF's na bigla ko na namang naisip. (But I don't want to bore you with those could have beens).

Bigla tuloy ako nalungkot. I feel so unloved. SOBRA. Cut the bullshit, don't tell me there are so many people loving you. I know that and I am very thankful for the people loving me, pero admit it, all of us crave for that romantic love. That is what I am missing right now . Parang I felt at that point na I am doomed to be forever feel this. The thoughts are so scattered right now but I am certain of what I am feeling right now. I just need love. Pardon my being a scatterbrain. Basta ang feeling ko lang, people, especially guys you like (or love) will never really give you a chance to prove your worth if you have a really dark past. Ika nga ni Uma Thurman sa Kill Bill, your reputation would always precede you.

No, I am no jealous of the career advancements my friends are proud to show off on their friendster profiles. I am happy that my high school and colleagues are doing great with their chosen careers. Malungkot lang ako na I am not as happy as they are right now (or maybe malungkot ako na I have yet to find my happiness). Siguro the one thing that breaks my heart is seeing friends move on with their romantic lives. Yun lang. Mababaw pero you have to admit na you sometimes feel the same if you are single and brokenhearted and frequently visits your friend's Friendster profiles.

Itutulog ko na nga lang to. Or i-cro-cross stitch?

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Cross Stitching and emotions


It would be a great embarrasment to admit that I started cross stitching due to my sexual frustrations. No, it's not I wasn't getting any. I was getting too much of it! Image

September 2004.
Emotional disposition: Brokenhearted.

Cross stitch pattern: Two geishas

(Click me to view the finished pattern)


I chanced upon this lovely geisha cross stitch pattern and being the oh so busy woman that I was back then, I decided to give it a shot. I would say that it was love at first stitch! There was no stopping once I got my hands working on it. Finished it in 3 weeks, a record time for a pattern which usually takes about 2-3 months to complete. There are times that I find myself staring at it. Haha :) I thought I've fallen in love with it! :P I planned to do one more pattern but I never had the chance to do so coz I started working the following month.


Fast track to August 2005

Emotional disposition: Frustrated and Depressed
Cross stitch pattern: Oriental Grace

(click me to see the finished pattern here!)


Frustrated because I was one week short of my one year vow of celibacy. Depressed because of so many reasons, heartbreak (again) and a rejected US Visa application being the top two reasons. I felt my feet dragging me to the DMC store in Gateway, and once more I found myself buying the pattern. As before I started it right away! There is something in cross stitching that gets you addicted. You wanna see the finished product. Even if your eyes hurt, you just want to so as many stitches as possible in a day. True enough, I finished it in 3 months, and this is a bigger piece thant the previous one and would take about 6 months to finish.

Present time

Emotional Disposition: secretly happy
Cross stich pattern: Oriental Grace
(50% of the work here!)


No, I do have a life. It's just that I'd rather spend my free time doing cross stitching than going out clubbing or drinking gourmet coffee. That phase of my life is so over. My mother would laugh hard over the phone whenever she finds out that we are spending our Friday night and weekends at home doing our cross stitch. It's like a sign of things to come. Manang mode, ika nga.


Cross stitching helped my mind get busy. A major mind-declogger. Any frustration, problem or lingering thought I have goes away temporarily when I am doing my cross stitches. Call it running away from reality but I don't care. And there is a major sexual benefit for those of you who want to stay as virginal as possible :p For me, it's like, an idle mind is the best devil's workshop. I think of (and do) things that you wouldn't want to talk about when my hands are not busy.
My sister tried to stopped doing her cross stitch when she started casually dating a guy from her office. Now that they aren't dating anymore, she decided not to go back to her work, with the mindset that "she feels defeated going back to cross stitching".

But as for me I have decided to stick with it no matter what my emotional disposition is. Like right now, I feel (naturally) high and happy, but I am still doing my cross stitch. I am currently finishing my third geisha (and angel geisha) and I am so excited with the outcome!!! I just have to bear the tauntings my oh-so-ever supportive friends from work.:)

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Battle of the Brainless


Yeah, that was me alright with my sch0olmates,sisters and David Celdran,the host of the defunt Battle of the Brains, after winning the 2nd weekly eliminations for April 1994 . How come the big networks don't wanna produce game shows like this anymore? For those of you who watched that game show, do you ever recall that huge timer during the bonus round? Hehe. Winning the gameshow was my first paycheck , 1,030 pesos (we got around 4k). I remember buying Sterling Snoopy notebooks (or was it Catleya?), Pilot pens (was never a fan of Tombow,such a cheap imitation) and a fancy pop-up pencil case. We lost to Bennedictine Abbey in the monthlies, but they totally deserved that since they ended up competing in the Grands. And you thought I was just good with jologs movies and songs!!! :p

Friday, November 25, 2005

CRAZY EMAILS GALORE!!!!

CRAZY EMAILS GALORE!!!!

I just joined LoveHappens, a new site where people help people find love. I'd like the people on LoveHappens to get to know me better, so I'm hoping you'll write a quick story about me that I can add to my profile. It doesn't have to be long, but it may help me meet someone great.

That is the invite I got from somebody inviting me on his lovehappens network. So you want me to be your pimp?

***

Dear Sir/Madam,
We have logged your IP-address on more than 30 illegal Websites. Important: Please answer our questions!
The list of questions are attached.
Yours faithfully,
Steven Allison
Central Intelligence Agency -CIA
Office of Public Affairs
Washington, D.C. 20505
phone: (703) 482-0623
7:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m., US Eastern time

I would have believed you if you did not attach a file with an unknown extension.

***

This is an automatically generated Delivery Status Notification. SMTP_Error [] I'm afraid I wasn't able to deliver your message. This is a permanent error; I've given up. Sorry it didn't work out. The full mail-text and header is attached!

Ha! another virus!

***

You have 5 minutes to send this to all of your friends on yahoo/msn/local isp/gmail/fancy address book list. If you dont, you will have bad luck for as long as you live..

I love forwarded messages, but it's a major turn-off reading this very annoying sentence at the end of a very good article, and usually I scroll down at the bottom of the message first before reading it.. Imagine reading about God's love and reading "you will die if you don't send this" next. If good luck email chain letters do not work, then I'm pretty sure that these bad luck email messages do not work as well?

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

No to Dial-up Connection (and to expensive phone bills and tantrums)


Lorelie refused Emily's broadband connection gift to Rory in one of Gilmore Girl's first episodes. She said that she wants to "dance around the house while waiting fo something to download via dial-up". If they were real people, I'd say, 'What the hell were they thinking'! Nobody in their right minds would trade a broadband connection for dial-up! I tried, in vain,to subscribe for Broadand. Globelines has no service area in QC, Bayantel's facilities in our area are all used up, and PLDT (never mind, more of that later). And I am stuck with dial up! It's hard when you are pampered with fast connection in the office and even in cheap internet cafes. Just downloading a 5MB file is a real pain in the ass! x( I am actually waiting for the SBC Yahoo v.3 browser to download and so far, the 3 mins download counter time really is equal to 15 real-time mins! Back then, I would go to sleep at around 3am with 20 songs queued for download on Kazaa and would wake up with about 10 of them completely downloaded, God knows how long did each download take to finish!

And speaking of phonelines/dial-up connection, I can still recall one major headache I gave my father back in 2003. Being the innocent Regina that I was back then (*cough cough), I used my Manila unlimited dial-up account username,password and access number in Bulacan. That means, I was dialling long distance! After 20 days or so, the bill came, and it was a whopping 50,000+ pesos (that's about a thousand dollars). It actually went up to 60k after 15 more days. I was scared to death of my father's reaction. To my advantage, my younger sister got pregnant out of wedlock that time, and 5 digit residential phone bill isn't as big of a deal as a teenage pregnancy. I remember my dad screaming at me on a Sunday morning after he got the bill but the only sanction my dad imposed was stripping me off of the automatic voltage regulator and the power cord,and I easily got a work-around for that by borrowing one from my sister's boyfriend. He was too busy with my sister's present status to worry about the bill.
My dad left the country for Texas a month after he found out that bill. No, that was not for the reason of trying to evade that phonebill, but to accompany my then pregnant sister. I tried to pay off the bill, but up until now, I haven't finished paying it. And,don't ever,ever think that I never regretted doing that. I'm sorry because not only I caused that big of a headache to my dad but also I deprived myself of availing PLDT's services (most especially that very cheap 384kbps for just P999/month).
So much for that, I guess I'd just do my crossstitch while waiting for these updates that I am downloading.
--
When you are keeping something to your self, you tend to blow like an over-sized Bazooka balloon when you can't contain your emotions no more. That is whay I happened earlier to me. The Bazooka pink gum exploded and stuck to my face. I promised myself not to be too much dramatic with my life, but I guess when you are just comfortable with the people you are with, you just show all of your emotions, be it good or bad emotions, and when you think that if you try to suppress it, it would just go away as if you never felt that way. I am sorry, you know who you are.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Once you pop, you can't stop



Once you pop, you can't stop :) The picture is just an attention-catcher. It doesn't have any relation to the entry I'm about to post :p Some sentimental Xanga entries I'm reposting here [may it rest in peace] :)


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NEVER SETTLE: (Saturday, December 25,2004)

it is not about being too picky. it is about not getting into a relationship just for the sake of having one. I guess the reason why I always end up with short-lived affairs is that I settle. I expect to eventually fall for the guy who tries to pursue me. I have not tried to have have a relationship that I have completley fallen in love with the guy before I deal with him, in the context of a relationship.

I do not know. I am not downplaying the power of falling in love for somebody who loves you already, but in my case, it never worked. It has always been like that, and I just so want to get out of that viscious cycle, and when I tried listening to my sister's 'no settling' stories, I realized, this is what I am doing wrong. I so wanted to have a boyfriend at any given time I don't care who I get, just as long as he is there as my boyfriend.

Do not settle.


----

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT? (Sunday, December 26,2004)

is it possible to fall in love with somebody you haven't met before???

the concept of a global village took the fancy out of falling in love with somebody you haven't met before.. it's more romantic and a lot more safer to experience this back in the days that there are very limited ways to meet, mingle and get close with somebody not within your promixity... now you can meet wackos pretending to be your Prince Charming...

but i am not a skeptic. i believe in all possibilities. :)

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ONLINE RELATIONSHIPS (Friday,December 31,2004)

The reason why i believed in online relationships was because i believe that you can find love in the most unexpected place, at the most unexpected moment, from the most unxpected partner. Well, I still believe in these serendipities, but I took the internet out of my list. 9 out of 10 online relationships I had was sex-based, gave me nothing but heartaches. I believed in the diamond concept that is why I tried going out with online guys, but apparently, all they wanted was sex. They would give me compliments that they don't mean just to get me to bed with them.

This is the reason why I stopped going online a couple of months ago, I realized I don't have the discpline to say no to a ONS because I am still "hoping against hope" that that ONS will turn to an life-long engagement. I finally realized that,no, having sex isn't the best way to get the relationship going, and since the internet was my source of those false hopes, I just had to quit.

Pero I would have to reiterate that this is really trying my patience and discipline. The sight of two couples kissing can give me the sensations that I get when my sexual soulmate tried to trim my hair down there (more about that sexual soulmate later). Imagine that! Ahahaha. In tagalog, ganon ako katigang na naghahalikan lang sa TV na-e-L na ako! :lol:

The reason why I went online again was that I know I can control myself better. It is not a 100% assurance, but at least I know when to say no. I don't have that mindset that I'm gonna get it on with this time hoping to have a serious relationship with him later... No more! ;)

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Scatterbrain Part 1


That's my sister Sadako wearing her bedroom slippers. We were cleaning out our mom's old closet when we chanced upon this 80's-inspired bridesmaid gown. Actually, this wasn't the only find for that day. We also saw a see-through gown worn wet by boldstar beauties. Of course, we can't take a picture of that and post it here,can we? Actually,we can, but why would we? :P
***

Anna,my best friend,once told me that happy people don't write blogs,or at least they don't make a career out of it. It's logical, if you are happy and contented, you really don't have words to describe your present state of emotions. I am happy right now. I am contented (not necessarily with my work and financial status). So what the hell am I doing updating my blog?

***
Let me just comment that I am such a useless technical support. I tried ,with all my might, to click that friggin Insert Image Icon to no avail and then I realized that I have my Netscape pop-up blocker activated :/ I can remember complaining about not getting any webpages and all I had to do was to clear my cach and to check my security settings.. So much for being a Home Networking "specialist" Sometimes, the most difficult person to troubleshoot is yourself. :) BTW, is there, by any chance, that we can attach picture in the middle of our blog posts? I tried doing that but the pictures don't show up. :(


***

I skipped Still Fly (Big Tymers) on my IPod Nano, got Anything for You by Gloria Estefan. How cheesy could I get. I suddenly remember my old (most recent) flame.

I can pretend each time I see you
That I don't care and I don't need you
And though you never see me crying
You know inside I feel like dying
Dont you ever think that I dont love you
That for one minute I forgot you
But sometimes things don't work out right
And we just have to say goodbye...

So much for crying over spilt milk.


***

I am on my third cross stitch project. I started doing Geisha patterns last year (believe it or not to suppress my sexual cravings), and now I am on my third. The first one took me about 3 weeks to complete, the second one about 3 months (from August 20 something until last week) and this 3rd one, I'm hoping to finish by the end of the year. And yes, I am planning to bring all of 'em on the Premiere Night of Memoirs of a Geisha. I have yet to uplaod my finished projects, so watch out :)

***

And afterwards we dropped into a quiet little place and have a drink or two
And then I go and spoiled it all by saying something stupid like I love you


Is 'I love you' really the most stupid you could say to spoil a great friendship? Aren't you supposed to feel great after saying that? Why do we scare people away when we say that? Is it because of your timing? Or is it simply because that person couldn't say "I love you back". Come to think of it,though, would you want to hear "I love you" from somebody you really don't love. It is very hard to reciprocate it, lest refuse it politely.

***
Quote for the day: "I was always the appetizer, the dessert, and never the main dish" - my Red Rained Sister