Again,again,again

J,

it's been a long time since i last saw you.

i hardly recognized you.

and i thought i would be doing fine the next time i do.

but i still fall into pieces.

over and over again.

i heard that you talked about the past

with that far-away look,

with regrets and with fondness,

would i be the former,

or the latter?

but reality struck me

you leaned over and whispered something into her ears,

that girl you are with,

she smiled, and kissed you softly on your lips.

i pretended to have not noticed.

deep inside, i screamed.

and slowly died.


R.

Friendster is SOOO Mean, what if's and scatterbrain

Logging in to Friendster and hoping to get as many 'Members Who Have Viewed My Page" hits, I decided to browse my friend's updated profiles. One profile got my attention.

Camille is my high school buddy. The masungit type, but is rael nice when you get to know her. She migrated to Australia on our 2nd year and had been in touch with her every now and then. Lost touch after 8 years of so,found her at friendster. I am DEAD jealous of her life right now. No, not because of her foreigner husband and her stable life/career. I am DEAD jealous of her four boys! And yes, since we were batchmates, it meant she married when she was 19 (perhaps even younger). Yeah, that's her in the picture. Ang dami tuloy WHAT IF's na bigla ko na namang naisip. (But I don't want to bore you with those could have beens).

Bigla tuloy ako nalungkot. I feel so unloved. SOBRA. Cut the bullshit, don't tell me there are so many people loving you. I know that and I am very thankful for the people loving me, pero admit it, all of us crave for that romantic love. That is what I am missing right now . Parang I felt at that point na I am doomed to be forever feel this. The thoughts are so scattered right now but I am certain of what I am feeling right now. I just need love. Pardon my being a scatterbrain. Basta ang feeling ko lang, people, especially guys you like (or love) will never really give you a chance to prove your worth if you have a really dark past. Ika nga ni Uma Thurman sa Kill Bill, your reputation would always precede you.

No, I am no jealous of the career advancements my friends are proud to show off on their friendster profiles. I am happy that my high school and colleagues are doing great with their chosen careers. Malungkot lang ako na I am not as happy as they are right now (or maybe malungkot ako na I have yet to find my happiness). Siguro the one thing that breaks my heart is seeing friends move on with their romantic lives. Yun lang. Mababaw pero you have to admit na you sometimes feel the same if you are single and brokenhearted and frequently visits your friend's Friendster profiles.

Itutulog ko na nga lang to. Or i-cro-cross stitch?

Cross Stitching and emotions

It would be a great embarrasment to admit that I started cross stitching due to my sexual frustrations. No, it's not I wasn't getting any. I was getting too much of it!

September 2004.
Emotional disposition: Brokenhearted.
Cross stitch pattern: Two geishas
(Click me to view the finished pattern)

I chanced upon this lovely geisha cross stitch pattern and being the oh so busy woman that I was back then, I decided to give it a shot. I would say that it was love at first stitch! There was no stopping once I got my hands working on it. Finished it in 3 weeks, a record time for a pattern which usually takes about 2-3 months to complete. There are times that I find myself staring at it. Haha :) I thought I've fallen in love with it! :P I planned to do one more pattern but I never had the chance to do so coz I started working the following month.

Fast track to August 2005
Emotional disposition: Frustrated and Depressed
Cross stitch pattern: Oriental Grace
(click me to see the finished pattern here!)

Frustrated because I was one week short of my one year vow of celibacy. Depressed because of so many reasons, heartbreak (again) and a rejected US Visa application being the top two reasons. I felt my feet dragging me to the DMC store in Gateway, and once more I found myself buying the pattern. As before I started it right away! There is something in cross stitching that gets you addicted. You wanna see the finished product. Even if your eyes hurt, you just want to so as many stitches as possible in a day. True enough, I finished it in 3 months, and this is a bigger piece thant the previous one and would take about 6 months to finish.

Present time
Emotional Disposition: secretly happy
Cross stich pattern: Oriental Grace
(50% of the work here!)

No, I do have a life. It's just that I'd rather spend my free time doing cross stitching than going out clubbing or drinking gourmet coffee. That phase of my life is so over. My mother would laugh hard over the phone whenever she finds out that we are spending our Friday night and weekends at home doing our cross stitch. It's like a sign of things to come. Manang mode, ika nga.

Cross stitching helped my mind get busy. A major mind-declogger. Any frustration, problem or lingering thought I have goes away temporarily when I am doing my cross stitches. Call it running away from reality but I don't care. And there is a major sexual benefit for those of you who want to stay as virginal as possible :p For me, it's like, an idle mind is the best devil's workshop. I think of (and do) things that you wouldn't want to talk about when my hands are not busy. My sister tried to stopped doing her cross stitch when she started casually dating a guy from her office. Now that they aren't dating anymore, she decided not to go back to her work, with the mindset that "she feels defeated going back to cross stitching".

But as for me I have decided to stick with it no matter what my emotional disposition is. Like right now, I feel (naturally) high and happy, but I am still doing my cross stitch. I am currently finishing my third geisha (and angel geisha) and I am so excited with the outcome!!! I just have to bear the tauntings my oh-so-ever supportive friends from work.:)